Big news: I finally let go of the early 2000s and got a Blackberry. See ya, LG ENV2. It's been real. In other news, Textiquette is (should be, anyway) viewable on your phone! Check it out.
On to Textiquette matters: it's recently come to light that I am terrible at ending things--relationships, flings, hookups, what have you. Though this post may not make me too many friends--of the sensitive and mature variety, anyway, and who really wants those--I've discovered that texting is the perfect solution for those who, like me, are emotionally stunted and unempathetic and avoid discussing feelings at all costs. Disclaimer: I'm not saying this is the right thing to do. Most of my friends and fellow Textiquette contributors disapprove of my continual emotional cop-outs. But it's sure as hell easier.
If you've ever broken up with someone, or even just ended a short rendezvous, you know how inconvenient it is. You have to explain your reasoning. You have to field questions like, "Why isn't it working?" "What did I do?" "Is there someone else?" You might even have to deal with tears or sad attempts to convince you otherwise. It's just uncomfortable. Thankfully, technology precludes any of these things from being necessary, and, my friends, you have options.
Best case scenario: the messy tangle of emotions you're unfortunately stuck in is short-term. If you've only hooked up a couple times, if it's only lasted a few weeks, you're in the clear. In these situations, I'm a fan of the fizzle-out method. It's pretty self-explanatory: you just let the relationship (if it can even be called that) fizzle out. You stop responding to their texts completely. You don't answer their phone calls. You avoid running into them. You change your route to class, if necessary. If a sighting is unavoidable, you smile vaguely in his or her direction while looking at the floor or ceiling. You definitely don't initiate contact, ever again. It's cold, but it's a clean break. That's what you wanted, right?
The fizzle-out method works until, sadly, it doesn't. There's always that one who hangs on, who refuses to get your painfully obvious hints that your amorous liaison is long over. The hanger-on texts you repeatedly, even if you haven't responded in weeks, to say, "Hey, what are you up to tonight?" They seek you out at parties and sometimes even text your friends to see what your problem is. If you're a nice person, here is where you take responsibility and have a conversation with the hanger-on, in which you explain why you are ending things. Ideally, you part on amicable terms. However, if you're me, you just continue ignoring the hanger-on and/or hope that your friends love you enough to do it for you (thanks, guys).
The fizzle-out method is perfect if you would prefer to pretend that your fling never happened and if you're okay with never speaking to your former love bunny ever again--or if you're okay with them hating you indefinitely and spreading vicious rumors about you and glaring at you across rooms. However, the fizzle-out method is not always a viable option if you have any modicum of compassion: if your relationship has lasted longer than a few weeks, or if the person you wish to physically extract from your life has exhibited actual feelings for you (weird, I know). But fear not! You can still avoid actual conversation with a simple text that says, "You're cool and all, but I don't think this is going to work out. Let's just be friends." It requires slightly more balls than the fizzle-out method, but not that much more. Once you send the text, you're absolved of all responsibility or culpability, and you can subsequently ignore any contact from the person while avoiding the labels of "tease" or "asshole" or "heartless bitch." Everyone wins, and you're free to prowl once again. Or, you know, just lay in bed by yourself and watch Netflix.
In the interest of fairness and journalistic integrity, the girls of Textiquette should admit that they, too, have been on the other, sadder, end of the fizzle-out method and the relationship-ending text. But that's a story for another post.
[posted by amp]
On to Textiquette matters: it's recently come to light that I am terrible at ending things--relationships, flings, hookups, what have you. Though this post may not make me too many friends--of the sensitive and mature variety, anyway, and who really wants those--I've discovered that texting is the perfect solution for those who, like me, are emotionally stunted and unempathetic and avoid discussing feelings at all costs. Disclaimer: I'm not saying this is the right thing to do. Most of my friends and fellow Textiquette contributors disapprove of my continual emotional cop-outs. But it's sure as hell easier.
If you've ever broken up with someone, or even just ended a short rendezvous, you know how inconvenient it is. You have to explain your reasoning. You have to field questions like, "Why isn't it working?" "What did I do?" "Is there someone else?" You might even have to deal with tears or sad attempts to convince you otherwise. It's just uncomfortable. Thankfully, technology precludes any of these things from being necessary, and, my friends, you have options.
Best case scenario: the messy tangle of emotions you're unfortunately stuck in is short-term. If you've only hooked up a couple times, if it's only lasted a few weeks, you're in the clear. In these situations, I'm a fan of the fizzle-out method. It's pretty self-explanatory: you just let the relationship (if it can even be called that) fizzle out. You stop responding to their texts completely. You don't answer their phone calls. You avoid running into them. You change your route to class, if necessary. If a sighting is unavoidable, you smile vaguely in his or her direction while looking at the floor or ceiling. You definitely don't initiate contact, ever again. It's cold, but it's a clean break. That's what you wanted, right?
The fizzle-out method works until, sadly, it doesn't. There's always that one who hangs on, who refuses to get your painfully obvious hints that your amorous liaison is long over. The hanger-on texts you repeatedly, even if you haven't responded in weeks, to say, "Hey, what are you up to tonight?" They seek you out at parties and sometimes even text your friends to see what your problem is. If you're a nice person, here is where you take responsibility and have a conversation with the hanger-on, in which you explain why you are ending things. Ideally, you part on amicable terms. However, if you're me, you just continue ignoring the hanger-on and/or hope that your friends love you enough to do it for you (thanks, guys).
The fizzle-out method is perfect if you would prefer to pretend that your fling never happened and if you're okay with never speaking to your former love bunny ever again--or if you're okay with them hating you indefinitely and spreading vicious rumors about you and glaring at you across rooms. However, the fizzle-out method is not always a viable option if you have any modicum of compassion: if your relationship has lasted longer than a few weeks, or if the person you wish to physically extract from your life has exhibited actual feelings for you (weird, I know). But fear not! You can still avoid actual conversation with a simple text that says, "You're cool and all, but I don't think this is going to work out. Let's just be friends." It requires slightly more balls than the fizzle-out method, but not that much more. Once you send the text, you're absolved of all responsibility or culpability, and you can subsequently ignore any contact from the person while avoiding the labels of "tease" or "asshole" or "heartless bitch." Everyone wins, and you're free to prowl once again. Or, you know, just lay in bed by yourself and watch Netflix.
In the interest of fairness and journalistic integrity, the girls of Textiquette should admit that they, too, have been on the other, sadder, end of the fizzle-out method and the relationship-ending text. But that's a story for another post.
[posted by amp]
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