Punctuation...and failed relations

Friends,

It’s been a while – I know. There was homework, work, and then finals. But the ladies of Textiquette are back. And…It. Is. Time. To…talk! About? Punctuation!!...

Punctuation is an art in and of itself, in so far as you can get it very wrong, but also because punctuation is the textual equivalent to the eyebrow raise, the sarcastic tone, the passive aggressive voice. As a result, punctuation, done wrong, can be disastrous.

Let’s talk about the right way to use punctuation:

1. At the end of a declarative sentence – i.e. “Yes, I’ll be there at 10.”
2. To express excitement – i.e. “Congratulations babe!”
3. To ask a question – i.e. “Why isn’t he texting me back?”

There are of course other uses of punctuation, for instance, the comma, but mechanical errors, though embarrassing, are not the worst faux pas you can make while texting.

Here are a couple of examples of how misused punctuation can completely change the interpretation of a text:

1. (in response to a dinner invitation) “Sure, I’d love to!” sounds sweet, but excited, the reader of the text will feel confident that the girl is genuine in her affirmation of the date. However, “Sure!! I’d love to!!!!!!” invokes the image of a wide-eyed-bouncing-up-and-down-shrieking-with-excitement type of girl, who has just called her 15 closest friends, her parents, her extended family and is planning a trip to her grandparents grave site, to share the news that she’s gotten asked on a date.
2. (when asking someone their ETA because they’re ten minutes late) “On your way?” sounds casual, curious and pragmatic – they’re late, you’re just reaffirming that they’re meeting you. “On your way???????????” makes you seem like you are practically ballooning up with baited breath, and the recipient of the text may imagine you, pacing your living room, looking up at the clock so much you get whiplash, and preparing a pot of water in which to boil the bunny of your lover’s child.

Conversely, you can use punctuation to imply passive aggressiveness, for instance, in response to your friend telling you she won the grant you both had applied for, you might say “Congratulations.” – the period implies a flat, unexcited tone, but if questioned you can attest to your congratulations and how big of a person you are to congratulate her at all, and so she will be unable to bitch about how passive aggressive you’re being. Hah.

In the past few weeks I’ve come face to face, or rather, phone to phone, with a particularly curious type of punctuation misuse – the unneeded ellipsis.

A guy who had gotten my number from a friend, texted me to say, “Hey…this is Sam…from the baseball game…” Guys – if you’re trying to woo a girl, texts that sound like you have a speech impediment or asthma so severe you gasp between clauses is NOT the way to go. And while we’re discussing this particular text, simply announcing your presence via text unless specifically asked to (i.e. if someone says, “text me your number), is weird, and awkward. Texts are, contrary to popular belief, not the electronic equivalent of a conversation. While it’s fine to introduce yourself at a party, introducing yourself via text is creepy, because a. it implies I didn’t know you before and b. it shows that you’re an overzealous stalker, because despite the fact that we don’t know each other, you have my number.

Still, that being said, sometimes people have bad textiquette, so I decided to reply anyway. Mistake. The next text only followed suite, “What’re you doing…”

Clearly – that is a question. Am I right? A weird question, given I don’t really know this guy, but clearly a question. So where was the question mark? Ellipses mean you trail off mid sentence, which made me think of this guy as constantly…trailing…off…mid…sentence…and…sounding…so…dramatic…

Perhaps he was trying to create an air of intrigue, a façade of mystery, or perhaps he didn’t know how to finish his sentence, but for whatever reason, Sam was misusing punctuation in such a way that I was completely deterred from texting him again. In fact, I was able to end the text convo on a polite note because of his ineptitude in the punctuation department.

I’d said I was from Atlanta and he said “So, you a Braves fan…” – I don’t ever really talk about sports, so the conversation was dying slowly anyway, but I put it out of its misery by simply not replying. My friend told me I was being rude, but I explained that the absence of a question mark made it, well, not a question, and thus no response was necessary. BAM (exclamation mark).