You Should Totes Read This Post About Abbrevs, Obvs

I abbreviate a lot. I know it’s obnoxious. But it’s so easy, and they’re just so catchy. However, despite being a frequent offender, I have a lot of questions about abbreviations. When is it appropriate to use them? How do you spell the ones that don’t conveniently translate themselves? What are legitimate abbreviations? How do you tell your friend she sounds like an idiot for using so many abbreviations? Here, Textiquette will try to prevent you from sounding like a huge douche when you abbreviate.

First, the appropriateness of abbreviations. Probably not okay: in serious conversation, or when you’re talking to someone born before 1985 (they won’t understand you). Probably not appropriate: when you’re talking to someone you don’t know very well, or someone you’re trying to get with (abbrevs are a polarizing subject—not everyone shares my affinity for them, and you don’t want to be judged). An example of appropriate abbreviation use:

YOUR FRIEND: Did you hear about [insert name of your drunkest, sloppiest friend] last weekend?

YOU: Yeah, I heard she was so bellig that she broke into [insert name of drunk, sloppy friend’s ex-boyfriend]’s apartment and threatened to beat up his new girlfriend! Awk.

An example of inappropriate abbreviation use:

                                YOUR LOVE INTEREST: Hey, what are you doing tonight?

                                YOU: Not sure, probs just hanging out with the girls and maybs going out later! I’d totes be down to hang whenev, though!

                                YOUR LOVE INTEREST: Um, actually never mind.

Sometimes, abbreviations sound really great in actual conversation but don’t translate so well into text. A personal favorite of mine is offish, as an abbreviation for official: “Did you see that their relationship is Facebook offish? Crazy!” But it just looks awkward in text:  offish? Like, sort of off? Drams, a perfectly acceptable oral abbreviate for drama—major drams!—looks weird when written. What is a dram? Perhaps the most difficult one: ush? Yoozhe? Us?  I’m trying to express the abbreviation for usual—see, I can’t even spell it. Rule of thumb: if it’s not immediately clear what your abbrev is supposed to abbreviate, don’t use it.

Basic rules to avoid sounding like an idiot while abbreviating: don’t use more than one or two per text, and stick to this list of Textiquette-approved abbreviations, which conveniently includes translations for our older or abbreviation-illiterate readers:

                                totes (totally)

                                obvs (obviously)

                                whatevs (whatever)

                                whenev (whenever)

                                legit (legitimate, legitimately)

                                awk (awkward)

                                bellig (belligerent, belligerently)

                                ridic (ridiculous)

                                reg (regular)

                                natch (naturally)

Happy texting (and abbreving!)

[posted by amp]