Let's Talk About Sexts

Admit it – you’ve been there too.  Maybe you’re a little bored or perhaps you’ve knocked back one too many Natty Lights, but one thing is for damn certain – you’re feeling frisky and you’ve just got to let someone else know about it.  So you reach into your bag, pull out that cell phone and bravely take your reputation into your own hands as you attempt the texting maneuver most closely associated with social suicide.  That’s right, let’s talk about sexts.  Whether you’re a seasoned professional or a rookie in the field of sexting, it is crucial to remember that in this business, there is no room for amateur hour because there is very little (ok, absolutely no) margin for error when it comes to composing and sending that seductive one-liner to your target.  In order to help readers avoid becoming social pariahs the ladies of Textiquette have compiled a list of important things to consider when sexting:

1.      This is not the time for your literary debut.  Seriously.  If your sext contains similes, metaphors, allusions to socio-political events, weather patterns, or generally any topics of conversation outside of what the actual topic of conversation is, you should give some serious thought deleting it.  I’m talking immediately.  Examples may include texts of this nature: “baby I want you as wet as the topsoil in the Amazon after a seasonal downpour”.  Sexts of this variety will inevitably result in A) rejection (come on, unless you think comparing your privates to decaying plant life and destructive natural forces is sexy, this shouldn’t really come as much of a surprise) and B) humiliation.  Your friends will likely respond with an incredulous “you sent WHAT?!!” and your recipient will almost certainly read the offending sext out loud to whatever group he/she happens to be with at the time.  So unless you want to live down being mocked and ridiculed with Tarzan and/or meteorological references for the next four years either don’t send that sext or start filling out transfer applications.

2.     There is a time and place for caution and uncertainty.  This is not it.  Let’s be real – very few things kill libido like someone who blatantly has no idea what they’re doing.  So, things to avoid include: A) Question marks.  Unless you’re questioning whether or not you should actually be sexting this person there is really nothing you need to be asking.  B) Ambiguous statements.  Sure, “I wanna do stuff with/to you” is just vague enough that it technically encompasses sexual activity however it is also just vague enough to suggest eating dinner, or physically accosting someone.  Sexy? Very questionable. 

3.     Pick your audience with care.  That girl/guy you think is hot that you maybe talked to once and somehow happened to procure the number of via a mutual lab partner is probably going to be creeped out when you decide the first textual exchange between the two of you is of the sextual variety.  Do not allow a deluded sense of self confidence (either authentic or induced by external sources i.e. Busch Light, Jose Cuervo) trick you into thinking this is a good idea.  It is not.  Unless you think restraining orders are a turn-on, I would avoid doing this like he or she will avoid you after receiving that sext.  Similarly, I always encourage double checking recipients before sending.  Texting unfortunately does not yet include an “un-send” feature and I can pretty much guarantee that your sister who happens to share the first two letters of your potential hook-up’s name does not really want to receive texts from you soliciting her by accident.  This is where caution is not only appreciated, but encouraged.

To summarize: when sexting, it is important to say only what you need to say, maintain a respectable level of boldness, and perhaps most importantly remember that an un-reciprocated sext is also an unsuccessful sext so do NOT, under any circumstance, no matter the mental duress or amount of grain alcohol consumed, allow yourself to be convinced to sext someone inappropriately.  That is, unless you’re looking for a reason to barricade yourself in your room for several weeks while anticipating legal action, a lifetime of celibacy, and impending eternal judgment from friends and loved ones.  Don’t let this discourage you though!  Bear in mind that sexting can be a fun and enjoyable activity with very positive outcomes, provided you follow the simple rules outlined above.  Let’s get it on.

[posted by krl]

When Not To Text - What Your Timestamp Says About You

             Have you ever received a text that at first glance seems totally standard, it doesn’t faze you at all and you don’t think much of it, but just casually reply? Then just as you’re about to lock your phone and go back to your homework/job/Facebook-stalking your eye catches the timestamp of the text and suddenly the entire meaning of the text shifts.

            Timestamps have transformative powers – they can make a simple “Hey, what’s up?” [which by the way is really annoying, if you’re going to text make it a little substantive!] into a creepy 4:07 am “Hey, what’s up?” and suddenly you’re imagining the person, who you’d previously thought of as normal, as someone who’s sitting up all night, texting people at odds hours: a lonely, crazed insomniac.

            Another transformative example: “What’re you doing today” – sent at noon is casual – the guy may think you’ve just rolled out of bed, had a light lunch and are looking for a chill hang out. Note: This is what you want to seem like. The guy does NOT need to know that you woke up at 7 am to shower, blow dry, straighten and style your hair then exfoliate, cleanse, floss, pluck, shave, and moisturize every inch of your body. He doesn’t need to know that you allotted four hours for make up, so that every pore can be painted and powdered and each eyelash immaculately painted in trying to achieve “the natural look”, so that when you “casually” meet up with him for an afternoon movie you look like you aren’t trying hard at all. He doesn’t need to know that your first thoughts on waking up were how to stage an accidental run in with him. These however are the things that read when someone receives a “What’re you doing today” text at 7:02 am.

            As previously mentioned in our “Booty Call” text article, your timestamp says a lot about your level of interest. If you send a booty text before 11 pm, it’s looking like you’ve been planning to send that text all day, and he’ll know that you’ve got his name written in Sharpie on your panties a la The Virgin Suicides. If you text him later though it might be interpreted as a casual, oh, my night is almost over, what’re you up to type affair.

            Timestamps also can be a dead give away for great double text excuses. For instance, if you pretend to have a technological malfunction and text a guy the same thing twice because he hasn’t responded and these texts are several hours a part, your timestamp is going to reveal that no, there was no technological malfunction, just a girl sitting at home, watching Bridget Jones on repeat and desperately trying to get a guy’s attention.  

            The girls of Texiquette also recommend waiting a little while in between texts – we generally allow 2 minutes and 17 seconds (this is considered a quick response time) – responding right away may give away the fact that you’ve been holding your phone nervously between shaking hands, glaring at it, willing it to ding with a text, and having a minor panic attack every time your mother texts you because you mistake it for a text from your potential future husband. (Just kidding…kind of)

            Most importantly though, when considering the implications of your timestamp try and imagine what you would think if you received the same text from a guy at that time, and then try and put yourself in his shoes....be realistic though, and if you can’t be realistic read our blog a few more times and soak up some of our cynicism.

            Examples of your responses vs. his responses:

a.     “Hey, what’s up” at 7:00 am – You think: oh my gosh, I’m his first thought when he wakes up! So cute! He thinks: Oh my god, I’m her first thought when she wakes up – stage five clinger!

b.     “Want to go to semi formal…in 4 weeks?” – [this really depends on your relationship with the guy, but if you’ve just started hanging out DON’T DO THIS] You think: wow, he’s planning a future together. He thinks: She’s already thinking about the future…stage five clinger!

c.      “Did you have fun last night?” – if this is sent more than 20 hours after said party/night occurred: You think: He’s interested in my life! He thinks: She is looking for an excuse to text me…stage five clinger!

So just remember that your excitement over a text at a strange hour is inversely proportional to his excitement, or more specifically, directly proportional to his degree of “weirded-out-ness” (yes I just made that into a noun).

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Excuses, Excuses

So what if you’re confronted by a friend with the ever-awkward question of “why isn’t he texting me back?” You’ve already tried the He’s-Just-Not-That-Into-You-Blatantly-Honest-Approach and she broke down in bitter tears that she later claimed ‘gushed worse than the Tsunami in Japan’? So you need to find a quick answer to get her off your back – here’s a few.

1. His phone is probably broken – “did you check Facebook, he may have put in his status that his phone is dead” (this will buy you five minutes in which you can quickly slip away and then pretend you don’t have service when she calls you again for further advice on the sitch)

2. His phone is off – he’s doing work and has turned it off so he can focus (Note: this technically is a legitimate excuse at our school, except that text messaging is everyone’s favorite study break/study interruption)

3. His phone ran out of battery – also, could be legitimate, unless more than four hours have passed and it’s a Saturday – he’s probably going to charge his phone so he can figure out plans with his friends and other people he’s not ignoring (read: your friend)

4. He lost his phone – this could be true if he’s not returning your text on a Saturday or Sunday (or Thursday), but if it’s Tuesday you’re really going to have to try and sell this one to her (i.e. He totally lost his phone, no, I think I heard someone saying he lost it and they couldn’t get in touch with him – yes sometimes lies are necessary)

5. He’s with his bros – no one wants to look like a bitch answering a girl’s texts during a basketball game, Monday Night Football or a pong tourney.

6. He doesn’t want to seem desperate – he’s trying to play hard to get because he’s really really into you (again, you’ll really have to sell this one because it’s the least likely to be true – read: this is never going to be true)

7. He’s probably napping/in the shower – again, legitimate, but if more than an hour has passed you’re probably out of luck, especially if it’s night time – no one naps at night time and no one goes to bed at 11 pm. Your friend is being rejected – don’t let her double text (see previous texiquette on this).

If none of the above work – spontaneously become deaf or text another friend and ask her to call you with a fake emergency – then run, otherwise she’ll just keep asking you until he texts her back and you may have lost your sanity by then.

Boo-boo-booty call

So you’re out on a weekend (or a Wednesday, let’s be real), having fun with your girls, but you can’t help thinking about that guy you hooked up with last weekend—you really want your night to end in someone else’s dorm room. Alternate (though less likely) scenario: you’re bored in the library, and you want a study break that involves not a trip to the Union for chocolate covered pretzels but a naked boy in your bed. Should you text him, or wait for him to text you? What is the appropriate booty-texting hour? At what time is a booty text no longer appropriate? There’s a fine line between DTF and shamelessly desperate—how do you avoid it? The ladies of Textiquette are here to help—we know from whence we speak.

First, and potentially most concerning, is the issue of drunkenness. Busch Light and shots of Burnett’s can make any text seem like a good idea; however, this is a classic case of flawed logic. Sexy: “Want to come over tonight?” Not sexy: “Wsamt t0 come ovwr tionkght?” Those are not words. Appropriate: texting a boy you’ve previously (and at least semi-recently) hooked up with. Not appropriate: texting the boy that sits next to you in English whom you have never spoken to outside of questions about the syllabus. Use your good decision-making skills (we know you have them somewhere in that liquor-addled brain), or those of a friend if yours have been misplaced somewhere at F, to determine whether or not to hit send.

A whole new set of problems arises if you, like me, are improbably good at sounding sober in texts. Have you ever texted a guy throughout the night sans typos, excessive letters, or ridiculous statements to alert him of your inebriation, and then, when he agreed to meet up with you under the assumption of a hookup, stumbled into his room and promptly passed out in his bed without even removing your shoes, much less your pants? Or, even worse, gotten there and immediately had to run to the bathroom to expel the aforementioned Busch and Burnett’s from your churning insides? Words to the wise: if you are too drunk to stand up, you are too drunk to hook up. No matter how great you sound in text.

There are strict timing rules for both sending and receiving booty texts. A general rule for sending: don’t text before ten pm (I usually go with eleven, to be safe). It’s early enough to let them know you’re interested but not so early that they think you are a crazy stalker (even though we are all, in fact, crazy stalkers). As for receiving: booty texts received after two am are generally a last call of desperation. I’d like to tell you that those booty texts should not be responded or followed up to, but a girl only has so much willpower. The Inappropriate Timing Award goes to a friend of mine—the aforementioned Lauren—who received a booty text at 5:15 am (on a weekday) and actually got out of bed, got dressed, and headed for the door before realizing that she was completely out of her mind. To be fair, I may or may not have responded to a 4:30 am booty text—a text that ended with a ;), nonetheless—the other day. And by responded, I mean I got out of bed, reapplied my makeup, and made it to his apartment in record time. In my defense, it was a weekend, and it was daylight savings. So it was really only 3:30. Right? Right.

Sober booty texts are a whole different story (I’m assuming, anyway—being in a near-constant state of drunkenness doesn’t allow much time for these). On the up side of sober booty texts: there is less chance of making yourself look like a drunk fool. On the down side: there is still a significant chance of making yourself look like a fool, without the ever-absolving excuse of drunkenness. Sober booty texts should probably be a little more subtle than drunk ones. Viable options: the ever-popular “Trying to nap?” or “Need a study break?” Be forewarned, however: a large percentage of the male population of our esteemed academic institution (and probably yours, too) will immediately assume that a sober hookup equals undying love/obsession, immediate marriage, and the subsequent birth of two children in matching Vineyard Vines onesies.

On a final note, the ladies of Textiquette will leave you with the prudent and sensible advice of Start Trouble in their epic anthem “Let’s Get Fucked Up”: “Driving around and I’m far from sober / Looking for a ho that I can bend over / My friends say I’m going nowhere fast / But when I’m fucked up, I need some ass.” Go forth and seek some ass, and, as always, text wisely.

Textiquette – the age-old (kind of) question of the double text

To text twice in a row, or not to text twice in a row? It seems I’m asked this at least once a day, during semi-formals week or at the start of a friend’s new relationship maybe 6 times in a day. I can tell you of about a hundred (thousand) or so terrible incidents my friends and I have run into with the dreaded double text, and how it can be used to make you look
a. like a freak
b. completely desperate
c. beyond stupid
So let’s start with some extreme examples:
1. My best friend, let’s call her Lauren (because Lauren Conrad is my dream television best friend and it makes sense to me), had a particularly bad case of the double texts a few months ago. She’d been hooking up with this guy for about five months, but like a lot of the men we seem to come across he was commitment-phobic (or maybe he they all know how neurotic we are). It was a typical Friday night – we were all having drinks and bitching about our weeks and preparing ourselves for the madness that would be the rest of our night. Lauren decided to text – let’s call him Adam – and ask if he was headed to the same party that we were headed to. Forty minutes passed, as did three more rounds of drinks and we decided to head down to the party. We arrived at the party but Adam wasn’t there. Lauren had another drink and thirty minutes later decided to text him…again, “Wanna meet up later?” She waited another hour or so (2 more drinks), and when still no text was received she decided to send the absolutely forbidden triple text, “Yo, where are you?” [NOTE: never ever ever ever ever do this] Five minutes or so later Adam texted her back: “Headed back to my house with Ashley” (Ashley being the girl he used to hook up with). Let this be a lesson to you all friends. This particular malady was remedied by a late night cheeseburger, four more beers, and an endless tirade of bitching. You don’t want to be the girl pouring your heart out to the drive through attendant at McDonalds (I’m usually that girl and it’s honestly no fun).
2. Another one of my friends sent a booty text (yes there will be a full blog entry on those to come) to a guy she’d only hooked up with once: “My room? Now?” Two hours later, in a state of embarrassment and bad judgment she sent a follow up, “Or tomorrow?” – No response. Ever.
There is hope though (sort of – things didn’t end up working out with this guy...typical) but anyway, here’s a time where the double text resulted in absolute success.
I’d been hooking up with this guy for an entire weekend (basically a lifetime) and I wanted to carry this ‘romance’ on into the coming week. He’d mentioned that his dog was coming to town (yes, to visit him – his mum was bringing the puppy to stay for a couple of days). Around 4 o’clock on Monday (almost 24 hours since I’d last seen or heard from him) I decided I’d send the ever so tempting “bait” text. A “bait” text is when you say something that is supposed to illicit you the response you hoped for and simultaneously tests the guy’s intelligence level and level of interest in you. The most typical example of a “bait” text is, “I’m tired, I need a nap!” Now, if the boy is interested and remotely intelligent it is expected that he will take the bait and respond with, “We could nap together” (NOTE: you cannot send this text too early in the relationship, otherwise if he does get the implication he may freak out – but more about that another time).
So back to my dog-lovin’ lover – I’d decided that it was time to text him (again NOTE: if a guy doesn’t text you for more than 24 hours after a hook up then your actions should be carefully monitored by cynical and objective friends) I was trying to think of bait with which to snag his interest when it came to me, the dog (not literally, obviously). So I sent him what I boastingly told my friends was guaranteed to illicit a response: “How’s spending time with your dog?! Are you happy to see her?”
2 hours passed, then 4 hours. I did the usual: deleted his number, swore I was over the whole thing, realized I wasn’t, facebook stalked until I found a group he’d joined where someone had dropped their phone in a pool and needed numbers (don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about), got his number from there, and decided to send the dreaded DOUBLE text. At this point, even more time had passed and all hope was lost anyway, so, dignity between my gritted teeth, I sent a second message, “Do I get to meet your puppy?”
5 minutes passed and just as I was getting ready to crack open the emergency bag of ‘feel better’ BBQ chips I keep in my drawer, my phone dinged:
“Yeah, definitely! Want to come spend the night and meet her?”
So, ladies and (possibly some gentlemen are reading this), there is one success story of the double text, though I’m pretty sure it’s an anomaly and shouldn’t ever be used as rationale for your own double texts. In general though, double texts are rarely acceptable and ONLY appropriate if:
a. There was a typo that you have to correct from the previous text
b. There was misinformation in the previous text that you need to correct
c. You’re already dating the guy and he doesn’t care
d. You don’t mind throwing your dignity to the wind and gaining five pounds from ‘I need to feel better about my self’ food binges.

Textiquette - an introduction

I got my first cell phone in 2004, when I was thirteen years old. It was one of those brick-like-nokia-this-is-super-high-tech affairs. Needless to say, once I’d gotten my invitation to the digital world via this hideous, chunky technological achievement, I was hooked, as most people are to the world of text messaging.

It’s dawned on me recently though how very little things have changed since I received that fateful gift. While in the grand scheme of the United States’ lifespan this seems an insignificant amount of time, it should be noted that in this same time span Toyota released their first hybrid automobile, YouTube was created, and retinal implants to assist the blind were invented. Shouldn’t it follow suit that some degree of evolution be enacted in the love lives of young Americans? However, after speaking with numerous experts (my cynical and love-sick friends) it’s come to my attention that modern romance has in fact acted in a manner contrary to our century’s many innovations. That is to say, misguided text messages, Facebook stalking, BBM, improper use of emoticons and other technology faux pass have thoroughly devolved our generation’s romantic arena. And once I started asking my friends about their struggles with their technological love lives, a slew of stories poured out.

One friend, after a particularly long and sober (!) encounter at our school cafeteria with the boy she’d hooked up with the night before, was jubilant to find that the two could not only be around the other without awkwardly avoiding eyes, but that an actual conversation had flourished. Excited, said student sent an ecstatic and lengthy text message to her roommate, only to realize moments after sending it that she’d mistakenly sent it to the boy in question. The repetition of his name combined with the girlish wonders of “could this turn into something” left little room for damage control. Not only didn’t the boy respond, but upon next seeing her, he avoided eye contact completely.

Another friend had spent close to two months hooking up with a boy, and as formal season rolled around she waited impatiently, anticipating her inevitable invitation. But it never came, and the boy told her due to a family member’s illness he would be unable to attend formal that year. Disappointed but understanding the girl spent the weekend of formal compiling a care package for the boy, so as to alleviate some of his stress. After sealing the package with green ribbon and a heartfelt note, she logged onto Facebook, only to see a slew of pictures of the boy, arm in arm with another girl at formal, plastered all over her newsfeed. Phone calls and texts from concerned friends began to pour in, “I thought he was at his grandmothers?”, “That jerk!”, and “Have you seen Facebook?” Though we go to a very small college and even in earlier days this type of gossip might easily spread to unhappy ears, the humiliation of the pictures and the pitying friends forced this girl into social oblivion for a few days while she recovered from this particularly bad run in with “romance”.

Nights can be ruined by unrequited love, which now comes in the form of unreturned text messages. Days can be consumed by obsessive facebook stalking – analyzing the body language that the apple of your eye adopts around others (“Does his arm around her look more than friendly in that picture?” “Clearly she’s flirting with him, look at that pose!”)

Worse still with evolution of technology, the negative repercussions of alcohol have amplified. Before the dawn of constant communication, a person’s drunk escapades could at least be contained to wherever they happened to wander. Now alcohol acts as the ultimate catalyst for emotional exploitation and disaster in the form of drunken text (drext) or worse, the druken sext. Mornings are spent putting the pieces of the night back together via an assembly of humiliating text messages and analysis of jumbled words and slurred voicemails.

But do we have a choice? The love letter has been replaced with the Facebook message, rocks at your window by BBM, and the whispering of sweet nothings has devolved to emoticons sent at odd hours of the night via text. So my friends and I have decided to compile this blog, educating others about text etiquette (and we consider ourselves experts because we have literally tried and failed so many times that we can tell you from experience what works and what leaves you eating tubs of Ben & Jerry’s at midnight and watching Titanic). Textiquette is our survival guide for you all, so enjoy, and try not to mess up as badly as we have, because desperate 2 am McDonalds runs for ‘I hate my life’ fries get really old after a while.