So you’re out on a weekend (or a Wednesday, let’s be real), having fun with your girls, but you can’t help thinking about that guy you hooked up with last weekend—you really want your night to end in someone else’s dorm room. Alternate (though less likely) scenario: you’re bored in the library, and you want a study break that involves not a trip to the Union for chocolate covered pretzels but a naked boy in your bed. Should you text him, or wait for him to text you? What is the appropriate booty-texting hour? At what time is a booty text no longer appropriate? There’s a fine line between DTF and shamelessly desperate—how do you avoid it? The ladies of Textiquette are here to help—we know from whence we speak.
First, and potentially most concerning, is the issue of drunkenness. Busch Light and shots of Burnett’s can make any text seem like a good idea; however, this is a classic case of flawed logic. Sexy: “Want to come over tonight?” Not sexy: “Wsamt t0 come ovwr tionkght?” Those are not words. Appropriate: texting a boy you’ve previously (and at least semi-recently) hooked up with. Not appropriate: texting the boy that sits next to you in English whom you have never spoken to outside of questions about the syllabus. Use your good decision-making skills (we know you have them somewhere in that liquor-addled brain), or those of a friend if yours have been misplaced somewhere at F, to determine whether or not to hit send.
A whole new set of problems arises if you, like me, are improbably good at sounding sober in texts. Have you ever texted a guy throughout the night sans typos, excessive letters, or ridiculous statements to alert him of your inebriation, and then, when he agreed to meet up with you under the assumption of a hookup, stumbled into his room and promptly passed out in his bed without even removing your shoes, much less your pants? Or, even worse, gotten there and immediately had to run to the bathroom to expel the aforementioned Busch and Burnett’s from your churning insides? Words to the wise: if you are too drunk to stand up, you are too drunk to hook up. No matter how great you sound in text.
There are strict timing rules for both sending and receiving booty texts. A general rule for sending: don’t text before ten pm (I usually go with eleven, to be safe). It’s early enough to let them know you’re interested but not so early that they think you are a crazy stalker (even though we are all, in fact, crazy stalkers). As for receiving: booty texts received after two am are generally a last call of desperation. I’d like to tell you that those booty texts should not be responded or followed up to, but a girl only has so much willpower. The Inappropriate Timing Award goes to a friend of mine—the aforementioned Lauren—who received a booty text at 5:15 am (on a weekday) and actually got out of bed, got dressed, and headed for the door before realizing that she was completely out of her mind. To be fair, I may or may not have responded to a 4:30 am booty text—a text that ended with a ;), nonetheless—the other day. And by responded, I mean I got out of bed, reapplied my makeup, and made it to his apartment in record time. In my defense, it was a weekend, and it was daylight savings. So it was really only 3:30. Right? Right.
Sober booty texts are a whole different story (I’m assuming, anyway—being in a near-constant state of drunkenness doesn’t allow much time for these). On the up side of sober booty texts: there is less chance of making yourself look like a drunk fool. On the down side: there is still a significant chance of making yourself look like a fool, without the ever-absolving excuse of drunkenness. Sober booty texts should probably be a little more subtle than drunk ones. Viable options: the ever-popular “Trying to nap?” or “Need a study break?” Be forewarned, however: a large percentage of the male population of our esteemed academic institution (and probably yours, too) will immediately assume that a sober hookup equals undying love/obsession, immediate marriage, and the subsequent birth of two children in matching Vineyard Vines onesies.
On a final note, the ladies of Textiquette will leave you with the prudent and sensible advice of Start Trouble in their epic anthem “Let’s Get Fucked Up”: “Driving around and I’m far from sober / Looking for a ho that I can bend over / My friends say I’m going nowhere fast / But when I’m fucked up, I need some ass.” Go forth and seek some ass, and, as always, text wisely.
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