Excuses, Excuses

So what if you’re confronted by a friend with the ever-awkward question of “why isn’t he texting me back?” You’ve already tried the He’s-Just-Not-That-Into-You-Blatantly-Honest-Approach and she broke down in bitter tears that she later claimed ‘gushed worse than the Tsunami in Japan’? So you need to find a quick answer to get her off your back – here’s a few.

1. His phone is probably broken – “did you check Facebook, he may have put in his status that his phone is dead” (this will buy you five minutes in which you can quickly slip away and then pretend you don’t have service when she calls you again for further advice on the sitch)

2. His phone is off – he’s doing work and has turned it off so he can focus (Note: this technically is a legitimate excuse at our school, except that text messaging is everyone’s favorite study break/study interruption)

3. His phone ran out of battery – also, could be legitimate, unless more than four hours have passed and it’s a Saturday – he’s probably going to charge his phone so he can figure out plans with his friends and other people he’s not ignoring (read: your friend)

4. He lost his phone – this could be true if he’s not returning your text on a Saturday or Sunday (or Thursday), but if it’s Tuesday you’re really going to have to try and sell this one to her (i.e. He totally lost his phone, no, I think I heard someone saying he lost it and they couldn’t get in touch with him – yes sometimes lies are necessary)

5. He’s with his bros – no one wants to look like a bitch answering a girl’s texts during a basketball game, Monday Night Football or a pong tourney.

6. He doesn’t want to seem desperate – he’s trying to play hard to get because he’s really really into you (again, you’ll really have to sell this one because it’s the least likely to be true – read: this is never going to be true)

7. He’s probably napping/in the shower – again, legitimate, but if more than an hour has passed you’re probably out of luck, especially if it’s night time – no one naps at night time and no one goes to bed at 11 pm. Your friend is being rejected – don’t let her double text (see previous texiquette on this).

If none of the above work – spontaneously become deaf or text another friend and ask her to call you with a fake emergency – then run, otherwise she’ll just keep asking you until he texts her back and you may have lost your sanity by then.